Chaos Hockey: Fantasy Hockey Headlines and Power Rankings 10/25/2022

Fantasy Hockey Headlines and Rankings

By: Trent Crimm

Scored the most points out of anyone from two weeks
Highest performer coming from McDavid, I guess we should start a new religion called McDavidism
Samsonov proving to be a worthy pickup early this season, hopefully Toronto doesn't get diarrhea in bed
Hopefully this team does not skate into anyone with the last name Stevens

Stamkos currently bolting out of the gates, someone should tell him that he isn't in Indianapolis though
Ryan O'Reilly proving to be the biggest flop for this team through two weeks, I guess that's what happens when you play for St Louis (This reporter has a strong hatred for the Blues so take that into account)
Who knows when Indianapolis will get hockey again but it's flourishing right now in this fantasy league

Through two weeks this reporter has been proven wrong, I guess Ted Lasso has given me a different perspective again
Defense really coming through to the forefront for this team, who knew Trouba would actually be a good pick. Normally he gets suspended, hopefully for this team Trouba won't get suspended for bullshit
Strangely Patrick Kane was traded, I guess when you have to yell at your teammate to not dump the puck on a powerplay will do that to an owner.

Someone should tell Veronica Corningstone to change the teleprompter so that no accidents happen in the near future
Rat Man is still on the bench which is good because the NHL doesn't need anymore of him, hopefully he's out as long as Landeskog.
The Chu Chu train from Colorado is steaming ahead like the Polar Express and hopefully this train doesn't run off the rails.
Great team but fortunate to be undefeated as opponents have done poorly

Chicago is not golden and is turning into bronze as tanking for draft picks hasn't quite worked out for them.
No outstanding players but all of the team is contributing to the success of this owner.
The Mack attack is not fully back Jack as the Avs struggle

Owner is quite forgetful as she cannot set a lineup to save her life however somehow she's managed to be 0.500 right now.
Sid the Kid is taking off with this team as the Penguins seem to have their skates on fire to start out the season
Goaltenders have completely saved this team Jarry and Ullmark are one of the best one two punch in the league.
I am forced to compliment this owner otherwise I am put in the silent treatment and timeout #helpme.

Previously ranked last, and the optimism of this reporter has apparently come true as this team has started hot out the blocks
Has many influential players on IR but the team overall have contributed mightily to early success.
Relying on Mika's flow to condition and shampoo the team into being a worthy adversary in this league.

ESPN has this team ranked 6 however this team has been very fortunate having the lowest points against in the league.
Parking the bus on their opponents has proved somewhat successful but this tactic could get their ankles broken just like Blackhawks forwards against Cale Makar.
Kucherov has not been a flop but has not been as impactful as this team needs him to be.
Top D for the Canes have not been great but have not been terrible so take that for what it is.

Svech scoring a hat trick has been extremely beneficial to this team and Pastrnak has been cooking up some good dinners for the last two weeks.
Someone should tell the owner that when goaltenders leave the Avs they don't do shit so they should probably trade Kuemper since he's going to need a new eye like Thor in Infinity War
The lights are not turned off but there might be some sort of flickering in the electricity of this team.

Although 0-2, this team is still quite strong even though they have come up against the top two in the league.
Makar seems to be the only one on this team to want to show up to play, so maybe he should start feeding Cale to others on the team.

Trades with this team could prove very beneficial as they are up against the 11th seed this week.

Probably should not insult your opponent when you get beat, and you might want to send an apology gift to the opponent's mother.
Facing some of the medium difficulty teams in this league and has been proving very challenging, I'm worried for this team when coming up against some of the top teams in the league.
This team has not been outputting the success needed other than the great 8, Sergachev and Lindholm.

Malkin, Scheifele, and Devon Toews need to start finding some moms quickly for this team

Someone tell Tuuka that he should stand up to the top teams in this league and get his Rask back.
Forwards on this team don't know how to get points but the defense does, what a weird turnaround for hockey guess that's what happens when Tuuka Rask gets benched.
Did Sepp Blatter enter this league because their must be some kind of interference with how this team is winless.

Tanguay is retired and some of the players on this team might as well with how long they could be on the IR for.
Barkov and Kuznetsov have not been listening to Wu-Tang as much as they should in order to succeed for this team.
Goaltending for this team has severely struggled, a trade for a better goaltender would be the best option before the goalies go from cheddar cheese to swiss cheese.

Raleighwood has not surged to Hollywood as their currently not making the walk of fame yet as the trades have not fully been detailed.
The team is struggling from a lack of chemistry, just like the Lakers in the NBA.
Heavy reliance on Vancouver unfortunately that has not panned out to the owner's liking yet as the Canucks are trying to imitate the Falcons from the Super Bowl against the Patriots.
This team has the bacon to sound the siren to make a comeback in this league.

Chaos Hockey